My brain looks normal structurally. But my doc thinks that there is some functional problem that may be causing Simple Partial Seizures. I have read all I can about this and I am really hoping he is wrong. Here is some info: http://www.neurologychannel.com/seizures/types.shtml
I am amazed by two parts of this strange experience: the first is Prednisone's ability to completely fuck with my thoughts, mood and body. I have never felt less like myself and more unable to make contact with myself. It has felt scary and I have been grieving the loss of self that has accompanied this treatment (or maybe it's the diagnosis itself causing this? ) I am now off it- hopefully permanently- and I am already feeling more able to function as myself. Completely fucking bizarre. May I say how disappointed I feel in the fact that I reverted back into dumb patient mode for a while? Fear has a way of making you want there to be some Authority. You want to be dumb and helpless so that maybe someone will actually Have An Answer.
This is a painful place to find yourself. Or lose yourself, as is more often the case.
Did I mention the breast lump issue? Well, I painted my way out of that- did this awesome lionfaced me with milk glands flowering everywhere-MUCH less stressful that running through the halls of medicine. My breasts are fine.
The second thing I am amazed by is the fears I have hidden inside me.
About a week before I came down with this whole dizziness thing, I gave up smoking. Note: I have quit smoking and picked it back up again several hundred times over the last 20 years. I really have always just wished that someone could find a way to sever the part of my brain that enabled me to pick up this round white papered stinky thing and light it on fire and then breathe it in. Um, duh.
One night though, when I was on youtube late, I found all sorts of things about mothers dying and leaving babies- even grown babies- and my smoking part was severed. I wrote this courageously fucked up imaginary letter to my kids - I don't know if I can ever show anyone this letter, but I may change my mind someday-and I felt this switch go off.
I sort of agree with some of what I have read and can see where he is coming from, but I don't totally fit the criteria.
Mostly, I find it strange that I finally discover this deep urge to NOT DIE from smoking and I encounter this weird thing that might possibly kill some part of me and make me not have any more babies.
Note: this unfinished post edited 3 years later....publishing it as is.
