Freezing Blueberries

On our second trip in a week to the blueberry farm in Gillette, we picked 5 more pounds. I made myself go even though I wasn't feeling ok.

I froze half of them when we got home.
I love the idea of biting into that fruit in the middle of January.
The berries were still warm when I put them on the cookie sheet to freeze.

My dizziness has remained the same.
My doctor is worried. I am freaked out.
I am operating at about 40% because of feeling so weird and off.

Brain MRI this past Friday. No answers yet about what is happening with me. Lots of scary possibilities.


I am thinking about dying. I am thinking about blueberries frozen in July and how we come to count on the fact that we will be here.

This is what I am doing-
I am playing the dinosaur game with Jackson and learning from him how to just be there playing the dinosaur game. I am pushing the kids on the swings. I am washing their faces before bed. I am sharing my breakfast with my Charlotte, watching her eat with her little 'poon (as she calls it), and I am practicing not getting on the train to the scary places in my mind.

But late at night, when I find myself on that train (and it is finding myself there because I have no recollection of actually having consented to ride), and it is picking up speed and my heart is racing, I am opening the windows and sticking my head out and feeling it all hit me at once. Full scare. No point in fighting being there if I am there. And then the train stops and I disembark and I am given a new moment. I am observing myself. Noting.

Which trains pull into the station for me lately?
There's the Google train, which gives the rider the illusion that they are actually steering the train; the train of hopeful thinking, which can quickly morph into the train of worst case scenario thinking and then back again proving that they are the same train, really (how fascinating) ; the train of sorrow and heartbreak that travels through my kids lives as they struggle without their mama- I don't like this ride at all and couldn't get off last Saturday night.

And I am trying to just sit and eat and read and hug and kiss and love and be and stay off the trains.

I am doing ok today.